Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Phoenix and the Surgery

Apparently, I haven't told everyone about this yet. So if you haven't heard it before, here it is. And if you don't read this, then you probably don't care anyway, so I'm glad I didn't tell you.

I had an operation the other day. Two weeks go, in fact.

On my penis.*

It was my first time under general anesthetic. Pretty scary, considering all the horror stories I had grown up hearing. Apparently it's much safer now, though. One minute I was taking four deep breaths, and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a second at a time though, and that went on for a long time. After I could wake up a bit more, they took me back to my room and tried to get me to use the restroom, at which point I noticed that there sure was a lot of bleeding going on.

From my penis.**

Also, at this point, I feel I should say a couple words about pain. It hurt.

Eventually I could pee enough that they didn't think I would die, and they sent me home. I spent the rest of the day at Doug's house, although there was a scary incident later in the day. Because I was lying down on my back, I bled into my bladder (as opposed to out onto the gauze), and when I used the bathroom later, all those hours of blood came out at once. NOT a calming sight.

I had a follow-up appointment for one week after the surgery. I was under the impression that the bleeding would stop by then, and we would mostly talk about my recovery. You can tell by the fact that I MENTION this that the bleeding did not stop by then. Seriously, ONE FULL WEEK LATER, and I was still bleeding.

From... well, you know.

I told my doctor that I was still bleeding and he kind of just laughed and said something like "Well, yeah, that's going to go on and on." Great. We made another follow-up appointment for six weeks in the future. Hopefully that implies that the bleeding with SURELY stop by then, right? Or am I just believing what I want desperately to be true?

In the meantime, I'm taking Vicodin so I can urinate without screaming too much, so all those who think I remind you of Gregory House, well, fuck you, it's just a coincidence. And the limp will go away after I heal. The cane is just temporary. TEMPORARY!

(*Yes, of course it was a reduction.***)

(**BTW, "Bleeding from my penis" is just about the best [and worst] all-around general-purpose excuse there is.
  • "Take the garbage out!" "Can't, mom, I'm bleeding from my penis!"
  • "Sorry I'm late for work boss, I was bleeding from my penis!"
  • "I'm sorry I can't give you a better rate on your mortgage because of all the blood coming out of my penis!"
I'm telling you, it works for everything.)

(***Sort of. I had a urethral stricture. That was cut out of me, so that it didn't close up entirely, because if it DID, I would die slowly...painfully...from a burst bladder. Isn't science fun?!)

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