Thursday, September 01, 2005

[Me] Karaoke

(From a recent e-mail)
> Hello, Lewis here.
> Does anyone fancy a spot of Brazilian food followed
> by karaoke this Friday?
Sounds like fun. But, does everyone have to sing? Is it like 'Fight Club'? "If this is your first night at Karaoke Club, you have to sing."

Not that I'm a bad singer. The word 'bad' implies a level of tolerability, whereas my singing ability is so far down on the scale there are no words in the English language to describe it. No one ever hears me sing and then says "It's bad, but I've heard worse." No, they usually say something like "WHY HAS GOD ABANDONED US?! END THE PAIN!" and then stick pencils in their ears.

It's really like a reverse-superpower. "Watch out, evil-doers! Here comes KARAOKE-MAN!" Oh, if only there were anti-comic-books with anti-heroes and their anti-powers, I'd fit right in.

Sometimes it comes in handy though. When I was in university, I had a part time job working with negotiators in hostage situations. They'd call me in and I'd sing, and the terrorists would surrender. Unfortunately for me though, they were only paying me by the hour. 5 minutes of singing doesn't add up to a lot of money. What's worse is that, as my reputation spread, it was often enough just to THREATEN to let me sing and the terrorists would beg for mercy.

Negotiator: "If you don't come out, we'll have Phoenix sing for you."
Terrorist: "No, please! We give up!"

After that, I didn't get paid at all.

The FBI made an mp3 of my singing, and they use it on encrypted computers. They just upload the file, and the computer screams "Alright! Alright! I'll talk! Just take it off repeat-play!" And do you think I get any royalties from that? Nah. Where's the RIAA when I need them? Sure, they'll sue 12-year-old girls for filesharing, but when it comes to the FBI, they're all "But they have guns! And lawyers!" Cowards.

Anyway, my point is, I don't want to sing.


  1. Don't worry Phoenix. I used to go to Karaoke all the time, and people would try to get me to sing too. I tell them that the amount of alcohol it would take to get me up there would cause me to pass out, so there's no point in trying. Either that, or I would use the stuttering defense, which doesn't really work because I don't stutter when I sing (but they didn't know that)

  2. Ah, but I would know that. ^_^

    Actually, it's about 3am here, and I just got home.

    From karaoke.


    I didn't sing though. But, at one point, one of the people whom actually could sing held the microphone up to me when I was singing along to myself. So of course, I broke his fingers. ^_^


  3. What not Fight Club link. You are slacking.

    ....and yes you always operationg under lack of sleep.

  4. Gah, you're right! (fixed) I can't believe I didn't do that. I really am slacking.

    So, it's now 4:34am Japan time, and I'm just getting home from fellow Asahian Lewis's birthday party. What am I going to do now? Sleep?

    Bwahahaha! Don't make me laugh and spill my coffee on my laptop. I'm going to work on projects!

    Sleep is for the weak.

  5. Pray tell, what "projects" are they? You're not planning to poison the well in Asahi are you? Anyway, it was a cracking party wasn't it? I remember dancing round in blue pants, but the rest is a blur...

  6. It was indeed a cracking party. ^_^ I really wish I had brought my camera! Alas...

    As for projects, I'm working on a Star Wars character blog, a hub for other Star Wars character blogs, a Star Wars group blog spoofing the television show Survivor, a Japanese language educational software review site, and a humour-based community art project. So, no sleep for me. ^_^