Thursday, December 01, 2005

[Me] Jesus

(This started as a comment on Emily's blog, but it got too long so I moved it here)

Don't get me started on the whole "I like Jesus just fine" thing. Sure you can say that, you never had to share a place with him.

Frankly, the man is a pig. I don't think I ever saw him do laundry. And the mess! It was like living with a dozen hippies. I'm not downing on hippies, but you don't want to bring a fine lady home to a hippy nest. It's just not cricket.

And when it came to cooking, forget about it. Though, I may be a bit of a nitpicker on this topic; I can make a three-course meal with one side of a butter knife, and serve it with the other. But J-man, I don't know what he was thinking.

"What did you do in here?" "I made a sandwich." "HOW MANY LOAVES OF BREAD DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE ONE SANDWICH?!"

He was always doing stuff like that. Go in to the kitchen to fix a snack, and when I come in five minutes later, there's food EVERYWHERE. Unbelievable.

It wasn't Jesus that was the problem, though. It was all his crazy friends. The J-Man can throw a killer party, but man, the nuts come out of the woodwork. And they ALWAYS got in fights with each other, over really trivial stupid stuff. Like, one time J-dude said "Don't eat the bacon", right? And some of his friends were like, "No prob, dude" and others were all "No, man, he was saying Don't eat bacon, like don't eat pigs at all, which is cool, 'cause pigs are dirty" and even others go "No, he meant don't eat meat. We should all be vegetarians!" Gah, why not just =ASK= him what he meant?!

I did ask him, and you know what it was? He said "I meant, 'don't eat the bacon in the fridge because I'm saving it for breakfast'. Man, I love bacon." Me too, man, me too.

If I could hang out with just him and not his other friends, it would probably still be cool, except that J-man can't handle money either. It was like, every week he would ask me for more money.

I'd be like, "Man, I just gave you $20 last week!" "Dude, I spent it all." "What'd you spend it on? More wine?"

Actually, it probably wasn't wine. In fact, I can't recall him EVER making a liquor store run. Come to think of it, where did he get all that wine from?

Anyway. He makes a good friend but a lousy housemate.


  1. Okay, I'll bite: What. The. Fuck?

    Jesus is just alright with me.
    Jesus is just alright. Oh yeah!

  2. It wasn't all bad. I had a Playstation and he had a Snes, so we both had access to both systems. It was a lot of fun. I was better at Mario Cart, but he kicked my ass at Tekken. It wasn't even funny. We were about even on Tetris Attack though. I played that so much I could see the pieces moving in my sleep. Good times.

    Man, thinking back on those days, I really miss that Nintendo system. He had a lot of good games.

    It's a shame his good taste didn't extend to music. I've never heard so much heavy metal before in my life. Not a fan.

  3. I knew that Tipper Gore and PMRC were full of shit! Rock on Jesus, Rock on!

  4. That was freakin Awsome. Phoenix, you're good in my book. No more damnation or snide remarks from me. You the shits, man, the shits.

  5. Great work Phoenix, that's the second wry smile you've raised out of me in one day (the first was the Bueller comment on my blog).

    Good job.